If you had a 30-day hiatus from your every day routine during your COVID existence, where would you go (while being safe and remembering that you cannot leave the country for the most part)?
An isolated hotel room where no one knows where you are,
A cabin in the mountains,
A flight to the UK, 14 quarantine in a hotel, and limited travel before a 14 day quarantine after returning home,
A Sex Library in Indiana.
Which choice would you take? I was fortunate to have the freedom to take some time for myself and I chose both A and D! After taking a week to decompress in a hotel in West Virginia, I made my way to my temporary library apartment in Indiana.
I followed my normal routine of making some coffee and a small bowl of oatmeal on my first morning in Indiana. I sat down in the kitchen to eat, looked up and saw a large poster of two women dressed as ponies and two other women holding their reigns with a small crop in hand. I stared at the print for a long while and quickly realized that nothing is going to be normal about the next few weeks!
The Carter-Johnson Leather Library & Collection, and their Center next door, were stacked with books, art, magazines, and artifacts representing a plethora of topics related to human sexuality. It really didn't matter what topic I had intended to focus my research upon, their collection intrigued me and seemed to include materials addressing a wide range of topics. Most impressively, I found books and magazines that were extensions of my expertise, and sometimes beyond my imagination. And, I have a quite vivid imagination!
My original research idea was to explore women in the 1970s who had the courage to explore their sexuality in non-conventional ways. Within the first few days, I conducted preliminary research and was grateful to line up seven women to interview next month. During my visit, I was asked to do a quick presentation for a local group. I pulled out an old presentation about Coming Out Kinky and developed a new set of research questions to update my previous research. There was one small problem. I found it hard to concentrate on one single topic because my brain kept returning to the ponies I ate breakfast with every morning. What is erotic about taking on the persona of a pony? Why would someone commit to train and handle a human pony? And mostly, why was I finding the poster hot and exciting? The poster was communicating with me but I wasn't listening.
As you can see with this one example, my mind went from topic to topic as I explored each of the rooms in the two buildings over the next few weeks. One topic of intrigue led to another. I found copies of the books and magazines that I read as I was coming out as a gay woman in the 1990s, as well as photos and articles written by friends, and even a copy of my dissertation about the importance of gay youth groups during the coming out process. However, it was in the rare book room, with white gloves and that familiar smell of all things old, where I found the reason that I was called to spend time in this library in Indiana.
In the evenings, I would sit in the high-back chair, a small lamp above me, gaze onto the shelves from a distance and wait for a book to find me. I learned to slow down and listen. My interests started to focus on French writers from the 19th century, led me to an exploration of ancient Greece, and to the goddess, Aphrodite. My learnings were universal, familiar, yet profound:
I have mastered but a trickle of the vast amount of knowledge available in the universe. However, I intuitively know how to access the portal of collective wisdom at any time. Have courage and make the time to go there .... often.
The universe has already provided an abundance of all that I need and it always exists within my being. The obstacle to abundance is one's state of mind. Stay positive... often.
There is beauty in everything around me. Do not rush past the ponies galloping on life’s Great Plain, rush to the next thing, and miss an opportunity to experience the joys of this existence.
In the rare book room, I accessed universal truths and felt them deep into my core. This was not an intellectual adventure, it was a journey of the spirit. I felt the beauty of words, illustrations and within myself. I witnessed my transition from mother of movements to the beauty, wisdom and fire of the crone. At this phase in my life, I no longer need or desire chasing windmills. Everything I need is here and I feel like a cork has been popped to reveal a sea of possibility.
I look forward to returning to the library in 2021 and am open to what the universe has in store for me. My story evolves as I write, read others' stories, understand the context of my sexuality and continue down this road of sexual empowerment. Before writing this sentence at this particular moment, I worried about women not wanting to join me on this path. But, if you are reading this now, I know we are meant to walk together. I look forward to reading your comments below.
Toni Bear, Ed.D.
